Choosing love

Friday the 13th, noon:

I just came back from a walk at the river, a rainy stroll with typical Pacific Northwest winter scenes of mountains shrouded in clouds, shades of grey and green, the sound of raging creeks nearing flood stage.  Oh, I love all this water after our terrible drought!

I felt quite tender as I wandered in the downpour, reflecting on the past months.  They haven't been a picnic, and if you have read my blog for a while, you know that.  With the events of the past four months I feel like I've been turned inside out, or upside down, with my Ego shaken to its core.

But no matter how painful and stressful the events of the past months were, I am grateful.  They have taught me a lot, uncovered things to be healed, and forced me to either be totally pissed off, or be brave and choose love.  I have been choosing love, which means I have tried to keep my heart open.

It's hard to choose love when you feel like trust has been broken, when you've felt betrayed by people you felt safe with, when old wounds have opened up to be healed.  But I'm proud of myself.  I have chosen love, over and over and over again.  Maybe not right away, maybe after kicking and screaming and fussing for a spell, but still, in the end, I have chosen to be courageous and choose love.

As I ruminated about that on my walk, I kept seeing bright yellow cottonwood leaves shaped like hearts.  I also noticed lots of river rocks shaped like perfect hearts.  Ahhh, yes.  

The same day, in the evening, I learned about the attacks on Paris.
Like many people in the world, I felt sick and heartbroken about this.  I wanted to dive into fear, blame and hatred, and then I remembered all the signs and feelings of love I experienced in nature earlier.  

I can't really put this into words eloquently, but let me say this: Knowing that there is a lot of hatred in the world that I can't do anything about, I can cultivate peace (and love) within myself.  Because this is where it starts, isn't it?  Peace starts with us, on an individual level, inside our own hearts, and then it radiates out to our families and communities.  Especially to our children.

No peace is sown inside those radicalized kids that turn into suicide bombers, and my heart breaks for them.  I think we are all born innocent.  I hope I can keep the commitment to choose and cultivate love, so that my children can somehow absorb that.

I am reminded of my favorite prayer from St. Francis of Assisi:

Make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

Love and blessings to you and yours.  May we all be courageous together and try to keep our hearts open.