My father in Germany has been in intensive care in a coma for several days. I am heartbroken, scared, confused and unsure of what to do. My German passport is expired, renewal or issuing of an emergency passport would take time, I have my own children and farm to take care of, and it's very expensive to fly to Germany.
On the other hand, I want to be there to hug my father and tell him to wake up. I want to support my sisters, mother and my father's wife.
There is no prognosis yet, and all we can do is wait.
It fucking sucks.
It's my daughter's birthday today, and I want it to be all about her. At the same time, I have to be on the phone with Germany or am locking myself in the bathroom to cry every now and then. I did bake her a beautiful cake this morning, made her favorite bread for lunch, decorated and cleaned the house, and will host a party with her favorite little friend in a couple of hours. I played with her and her new doll house and new toy kitchen.
And yet... I am ashamed to say that my heart is not fully in it. I see my Dad hooked up to machines and remember the good times I had with him. I think of the gifts he gave me: my love for nature, for bicycling, and for singing are all from him. These are huge parts of my life, and I am so grateful to him for showing me how to love these things.
Well. Let me show you what I am grateful for this week, while I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for my Dad to wake up.
I'm grateful for my children, and especially today on her birthday, for little Eva, who turned six years old.
I am grateful that we had a fun Halloween last week.
I am grateful for my goats, who cheer me up and keep me company when I'm sad.
I am grateful for my beloved 15 plus year old dog Pluto, who is not doing very well and might not be with us much longer. I wish we could just have one crisis at a time.
I am grateful that the boys are so into the idea of running, which they started doing for exercise. I love how it makes their eyes shiny and cheeks red.
I am grateful for knitting, which is my therapy and calms me. I just finished this hat.
Thanks for witnessing me here. Please say a prayer for my Dad.